The coming together of themes

I wrote recently about how having heroes fails us in life and then the story broke last week about General Petraeus and his affair.  I wonder how many people held him up as a hero but, like the rest of us, he is only human and not perfect.  I wonder how many people from a distance now feel let down by what has become world news.  We so often feel let down by others, by ones who mean so much to us and by ones for whom we have such high expectations and you know what?  It is probably mainly about us and our needs and not about the others whom we have made into heroes in some way.  We do everybody, including ourselves, a disservice by making ourselves, no matter who it is, into who we are not. 

I know how human and imperfect I am.  I am just like the rest of the human race.  Yesterday, the manager here at BRC made a personal comment that hurt me.  I saw it as a lack of tact.  Then today, when we met in the meeting area of BRC, I thought that I justly stated my position on the matter.  She told me, as Thais always do, not to get angry but I saw it as my speaking strongly (or my mind as my mother would say) and not as being angry.  We then come to an understanding, or for me a new insight yet again.  She said what we have here is a cross-cultural misunderstanding.  She said that what I took as an offence was never meant as one.  Yes, you may not talk like this back home in Australia but we are in Thailand and what was said yesterday speaks of how we play with each other as Thais.  So no offence!  And I have a healthy reminder before me of what is happening and that I, like my manager and everyone else, am only human and should never be too ready to judge or to hold grudges. 

I believe there is a connection here between the two stories.  For me, it is all a bit 'has been' but it is still worth naming as it is what has happened yet again.  Through crisis (no matter how little or big), there is growth; through misunderstanding (no matter how little or big), if confronted, there comes understanding. Herein, there is a hard lesson as it involves hurt and sometimes shame or disgrace.  It also involves facing oneself and sometimes admitting wrong or having to say sorry.  None of this is ever easy but, as they say - again 'a 'has been', no pain, no gain OR anything worth having or being does not come easy. 

The week that was

For an Aussie, the 'week that was' featured the Melbourne Cup on Tuesday afternoon, Melbourne time.  What does that mean for an Aussie in Bangkok?  Well, maybe not much but it is still a time when the cultural strings are pulled.  It was also a time when my American mate here in Bangkok, who always backs football, could for a change study the form and come up with all sorts of statistics.  Amazing!  It is the pull of the Cup. 

The 'week that was' also featured the US Presidential election and that also was Tuesday.  What amazes me is the number of Thais who are so into the US elections and Obama.  For me, it speaks of a world that so needs leaders and Obama is one hope for the side. 

On a more personal note, the 'week that was' also focused on Tuesday as that afternoon I was one of two people responsible for the running of an important meeting in our area of work with urban refugees.  This meeting saw the coming together of all stakeholders who help these people in Bangkok  This meant we had a forum made of a range of strong characters with a range of views on the topic at hand - how to help urban refugees.  What united us was our passion for helping such a desperately needy group in our midst and how to do it most effectively.  Is this not in part what makes us truly human - serving a cause greater than self.  

You know, I got this line, not from some cheap theology book, but from a look at consumerism and how it is destroying our humanity presented last night on Aljazeera.  Its basic line was that our relationships are meant to be with people and not things, and it is in relating with others that we find our happiness.  Good theology certainly agrees with this. 

Heroes?

You know during the past I yet again lost a hero in my life.  No, he didn't die.  He just showed that he could not live up to my expectations as one of my heores.

I tend to do that - proclaim heroes for me in my life.  And you know what?  Time and time again, they fail the test once I have proclaimed their hero status.  I have to say that what I do to them is unfair as, in making someone my hero, I place for my sake too high an expectation level on them and I don't think anyone can meet my required expectation level to be my hero. 

The other side is that proclaiming heroes may be my way of coping and abrogating responsibility as it is not for heroes to do for me what I cannot do but for me to keep trying to do my bit.  It may also be my way of finding a comfortable fantasy world which just does not exist. 

I live in a city full of people who seem to live in a fantasy and just not grounded in any reality.  I am not sure why here or if it is just more noticeable here.  On Wednesday, I met an Australian I have not seen for awhile.  He had apparently gone home for business.  Now that he is sorting out his business, he is looking at returning to living in Bangkok.  What are his plans for the future?  Return and settle in Jomtien next to Pattaya.  There he has western, male companionship and it is still close enough to Bangkok where his Thai male partner lives.  Why then not live in Bangkok?  Well, by living in Jomtien, he can indulge in seeing the Thai guys of Pattaya, while he is still with his chosen partner who is a solid citizen and decent guy with a good professional career.  In Australia, while divorced, he is still the straight grandfather and father.  He expresses an amazement at why he does what he does when he has so many good people in his life.  As a businessman, he presents as the hardline rightwinger.  I present this not to lay any moral judgement but simply as a real life example of what I mean by people not grounded in reality and living in some fantasy. 

As I say many times, THE QUESTION in my Bangkok is this:
Is it real or unreal?  Or  What is real? 
Just now I thought of the childhood tale of the velveteen rabbit who asked the same question and found the answer in a rather perceived uncomfortable corner. 

It's getting near Christmas

Well, it's Friday and I could be boring and talk about all my tasks and activities of the week but I won't.  Rather, in the midst of all the challenges and goings on here at the Bangkok Refugee Centre, what I saw was one of the staff wrapping up bottles in Christmas paper.

I said - Getting ready for Christmas?
To which she replied - Yes!  and with a smile.

There was the great song from "Mame" - We need a little Christmas and right now!
How true!  It is never too late or too early for Christmas to cheer up the soul and share a bit of laughter and friendship in the world.

Meanwhile, Happy Eid!!

A theology of failure?

I came across a quote from Paul Tillich that just appeals to me and my experience of life.  Here it is.

"Grace strikes us when we are in great pain and restlessness.  It strikes us when we walk through the dark valley of a meaningless and empty life. ...  It strikes us when our disgust for our own being, our indifference, our weakness, our hostility, and our lack of direction and composure have become intolerable to us.  It strikes us when, year after year, the longed-for perfection of life does not appear, when the old compulsions reign within us as they have for decades, when despair destroys all joy and courage."

Is this a theology of failure?  I don't think so.  It more captures our naked reality and speaks to it as it is.  It speaks to our confusion and chaos, helping us make sense of what is and not of some hoped for or proclaimed ideal which never seems to come. It speaks to the 'eternal Why' of our life - why am I still doing this?  why am I still like this? 

It speaks to me in the midst of another week which is just so demanding and full of so many challenges. 

Thanks Paul Tillich 

I need a day off

You know we can think how important we are and just how much the world needs us but then we get a timely reality check that puts us in our rightful place.

I had one of those reality checks yesterday.  Here I am going to UNHCR meetings, helping to organise better ways of helping urban refugees, being a tutor for three young Pakistanis doing their ACU course and then, in the midst of all this important activity, a Pakistani woman comes unannounced to my office.  Really, they can't be expected to make appointments but nevertheless I am just too busy for this intrusion which I so readily identify as yet another request for financial assistance. 

So what do I do?  I jump straight in so as to save time and start to explain to her about available help and what is possible.  I must say I did so politely.  But then she stopped me and said - Father, I don't want money.  My husband is in prison.  Then she just cried. 

My first thought was - I just stuffed this one.  This was my reality check.  I might be Fr John from whom ones seek for assistance or whom colleagues in refugee work call on, but you know what?  I must never lose sight of what really matters in the midst of  however much activity and seemingly important tasks I am involved in. 

The other message is that I need a day off for my good and the good of those I help and work with.  So that is what I am about to do.  Take a day off.  Wish me well in this most important task. 

A relationship is a long trip

Dan Berrigan wrote -
"Don't travel with someone who expects you to be exciting all the time!" 

I am no expert on relationships as I sure have my own issues and failings but there is wisdom worth noting here and it comes from Fr Ron Rolheiser omi as he delves into this insight.  He puts it this way. 
"The recognition that, in love, we cannot not disappoint each other is what makes it possible for us to remain inside of marriage, friendship, celibacy, and respect.  It's when we demand not to be disappointed that we grow angry, make unrealistic demands, and put pressure on each other's moral and sexual integrity.  Conversely, when we recognize the limits of love, when we accept an inevitable separateness, moral loneliness, and disappointment, we can begin to console each other in our friendships and our marriages."

Rolheiser is a wise man and writes so well.  So often I am just struck by what he shares in his short, poignant writings.  In the same article, he shares this one line, WOW statement.
"It's when we try to be captain of somebody else's soul that we rape someone."

Enough for today, I am sure.