This will make you a man

Om with Oat just after helping Oat to dress as a monk for the first time.

When I was 13 and at school, we had the army cadets and the idea was that being in the cadets would teach you discipline and make a man of you.  I am not sure it achieved that purpose in my case as I just took it as something you had to do and never enjoyed it.  I can still hear the brother, who was a Colonel in the corps, yelling at me for not being able to march in step. 

Well, in Thailand, while the army may be big and there is conscription, no one I know wants to go into the military.  Here, if any institution serves the purpose of initiation into manhood and of teaching boys disciplne and moral values it is the monkhood. 

I saw this firsthand this past week when I went with my mate, Om, to see his 13 year old nephew, Oat, become a monk.  Yes, at the age of 13, he became a Buddhist monk but only for two weeks during the school holidays. 

For us, this may seem a strange practice but this is part of life, religion and culture in Thai society.  It is the way it is here.  Still, even after living here so long, I had to ask myself what this was all about.  I found I could give a rational explanation but still it seemed different.  It was in going to the temple for myself that I gained an insight into what this was all about.  My first eye opening experience was on my arrival at the temple and seeing that Oat was one of over 200 boys doing the same thing.  So many of them!

I saw that temple was in a totally different part of Bangkok and that it was a big temple with a big school in a simple and out of the way street.  My question of how this temple was chosen as the one was answered on meeting a friendly monk there, whom Om told me was from their village and a monk to be admired.  There was the connection. 

As my time at the temple progressed, I was just amazed at the number of people there.  They were the families of the over 200 boys hovering to see the whole process of their sons' initiation into the monkhood unfold.  The boys were dressed in white and set apart as a big group.  Monks gave talks.  There was chanting and times of just sitting and being quiet for them.  They ate separately and in a big group, being watched by their families.  That was the Saturday. 

I returned on the Sunday to see the big event - the boys being robed as monks.  I wondered how they would do that and discovered that it was quite simple.  They were each given a set of robes and all were sent upstairs to the dormitories to change into their new robes.  They were accompanied by their fathers and monks to help them robe for the first time.  As Oat is here in Bangkok away from his family, he had Om and me to help him.  I found sharing this experience to be enlightening and a great honour as I was watching something special happen in Oat's life and a part of it. 

Oat went up as the young boy and came back down as part of the whole group as a monk. 

To make sense of this, Oat is fully a monk as is any monk while he is a monk.  You can be a monk for a life time or a short time.  It all depends on why.  You could become a monk because someone close to you has died, as part of growing up, as part of initation into society or as pure commitment to the ideal of being monk.  For Oat and the other 200 boys, it was something they wanted and their families wanted.  It was taken on proudly and with a sense of this is part of being a Buddhist.  There was also the sense of the army cadets for me when I was a boy.  It was about learning disciplne and good values and becoming a man, about growing up.  It is part of a programme of life in Thai society that happens in a boy's life.

I wonder what happens in a girl's life?   



Oat, the proud monk.

Challenging, bizarre and chaotic

Last week, I renewed my Thai driver's licence.  I had had my first licence for one year and now it was time to get my permanent licence for five years.  Well, I had done all the hard work, I thought, when I went a year ago to apply the first time for a Thai licence.  Not to be so as it was to be a repeat experience of tests and paperwork for which I was totally unprepared.  What transpired was a three hour ordeal at the hands of Thai government bureaucracy. 

On finally getting my licence and having a sense of achievement, I victoriously posted this comment on Facebook. 
"I am no longer a P-Plate driver in Thailand.  I am now Permanent with a five year licence.  The process for getting it is challenging, bizarre and chaotic.  It reminds me that once you go beyond Darwin you enter a different world." 

As I read this later, I realized that I was reflecting on much more than just getting a driver's licence.  I was reflecting on my experience of living here in this culture.

Life is so different once you go beyond Darwin.  From there you enter a different world or should I say different worlds.  Yes, you enter Asia but an Indonesia is not a Thailand while both are so different from Australia. 

Your world here is full of people and activity around you all the time.  It is life lived at close quarters and at very intense levels.  The way of dealing with people and issues is different.  They do not like confrontation.  Actually who does?  What this means here though has real consequences for they do talk or act directly with each other, or that is the general rule.  Rather you deal with issues by not dealing with them or by being accommodating.  Or else you just go around instead of facing the issue head on, as we do, and so by that more circuitous route arrive at a different and more desired result. You do find your ways of making your point when needed but in different and less direct ways from back home.  As a strong westerner, I find it frustrating but what can you do as you have to learn to act so as to get the best results where you live among the people with whom you share your life.

One rule I keep is to never compromise my integrity. 

So as I go for my licence, I do the silly tests required for getting it, not asking any dumb or logical questions about why we are doing this.  I go for my medical certificate, knowing that the doctor does not even look at me and what he is about is signing certificates to get money.  I wait and wait with many others, being corrected on which forms to complete and which documentation to copy, while just acting to stay patient.  I remain amazed that they never check if I can read Thai as the road signs are in Thai.  Little do they realise in this government ministry that I can read it better than I can speak it.  It struck me that the whole process was not about assuring that you could drive safely in Thailand but about completing a bureaucratic process with all its hurdles and anomalies that gave a prize - your driver's licence.  Just one thing do not question it and do not try to change it. 

Life is so different beyond Darwin but maybe that is part of the attraction of being here.

Boundaries

Back home, there used to be a lot of talk about personal boundaries.  As I was growing up, it seemed to be a life issue that was assumed but never named.  Then later on in my life, it became a central topic in professional circles in the 1990s, or that is my take.  In my Bangkok, I don't see any such talk among the same sort of circles.  Maybe it is more subtle here or maybe it is just not talked about in a society that is highly controlled and structured within a strongly hierarchical model. 

Anyway, I have had some dealings lately with local farangs ('farang' is the local name for westerners) which have led to my getting upset a couple of times with ones during an encounter or on hearing a statement.  I have been wondering what is going on.  Am I overworked and stressed?  Am I tired?  Am I too precious? 

No.  I have come to name it as over the past 20 years I have become aware of my boundaries, have named them, have come to respect them and have tried to healthily defend them.  Here I am often dealing with guys who lack any sense of personal boundaries.  So they cross the line without even being aware while I naturally respond by putting up my defences to protect my boundaries, or this is my sense of what is happening. 

Personal boundaries are so obviously and openly broken here so often.  Last night, I get into the lift in my apartment building and share the ride to my floor with a guy I have never met before.  Within the short travel time of only going four floors, he tells me that he is living here alone on business and how he just loves being near the bars with those girls.  He speaks knowingly and with a glint in his eye as if I agree with him.  Fact is he doesn't even know who I am.   That he felt so free to divulge such information with me, a complete stranger, just amazes me.  In this case, my expressed response was amazement and quiet, and not upset.  This  was probably my respecting my own boundaries as I was with a complete stranger.  I notice my pattern is that I verbally express my personal upset when in a relationship and with ones I know.  

Yes, I would say my neighbour's boundaries appear to be incredibly loose.  That makes me then ask how he values his own self which will accordingly have an impact on how he values and accordingly treats others. 

This brings me back to where I started.  A lack of boundaries leads to dangerous interpersonal activities and interactions which can have unwanted or disastrous consequences. We can't just treat ourselves or others as if nothing matters.  When something matters, we build firm foundations to give long life and boundaries to protect what matters.  When people matter, we show dignity and respect - even in the bearpits of a Bangkok.  But first we need to show that to ourselves.  As the old addage says, "We treat others as we treat ourselves".

It is all about money

During the same week, that I had my Provincial visiting, there were two other visitors as well.  They were representing two of Caritas Thailand's major partners from Europe.  Both are major contributors to our good work here with migrants.  These two visits were hard work but enjoyable and most worthwhile for the progress of our mission. 

Both visits involved honest talking on issues.  In a place like Thailand, talking is not so direct and definitely Thais act against any confrontational talk even when the topic is serious and needs to be faced for future good purposes.  So when my boss asked the western European, female officer about supporting certain work financially and was told in one sentence that there was no money available for his request, I thought to myself how refreshing to have such directness and clarity. 

However, this was not so refreshing for my Thai boss.  Knowing him well, I would say that he was in a state of shock on receiving a response that was so direct and so strongly "No".  His immediate response was to talk about our relationship with this European Church partner in pure money terms.  I was shocked to hear even a professional relationship within the Church to be simply reduced to money. 

What about the relationships among colleagues?  What about the hard work over the years?  What about the generosity of the people in their giving?  What about all the benefits received through long years of the relationship?  What about the laughs and friendships shared?  All reduced to money.  Beyond the gracefulness and the dignity of a Thai, they can be quite ruthless when it comes to business. 

It reminds me that a dominant model of Church I experience here is that of Church doing business.  It is a harsh reality but that is the way it is. 

A week of visitors

Fr Dave, my Provincial, visiting a refugee community learning centre. 

As I wrote last week, Bangkok has its share of bizarre 'boys from the west'.  They can be likeable characters but it is surprising what a mess they can get themselves into through their naivety and mischief. 

Well, of course, not every western guy coming this way fits this category.  During the past week, just one such example of a good western guy here in my Bangkok was Dave, my Provincial.  He was only here for a short visit to see me in my surrounds.  So, on Monday, I took him to see a couple of sites of my ministry so that he could have an idea of what I do and whom I help.  The exposure featured visiting a learning centre for refugee children.  These centres are within the refugee communities and run by the communities themselves in response to a desperate and real need of their people - education for their children.  Dave was touched by the experience and spoke so tenderly with the children he met.  I was impressed. 

The photo shows him with what I would name as the CEO of the learning centre we visited.  This guy may be seen as a refugee but he is much more.  He is kind and capable, dedicating himself to helping his fellow men and women.  He sees a need and does something about it and he continues to do just that even while here as part of the refugee community.  His present harsh reality does not stop him from doing what he does best - community organising and helping the people to empower them and raise them up.  This he does even when caught up in his own suffering and troubles. 

As I told Dave, if we were refugees in this guy's home country, he would be helping us.   He is one of those amazing people not dragged down by their own story of hardship, being able to raise above what he endures to keep doing the right thing by others.  I am sure Dave has returned home well remembering this guy, among the many he saw caught up in the rather desperate and tragic lot that is a refugee's. 

For the record, Dave was one of my many welcome visitors.  He can come again. 

Hard to find a good man in Bangkok

I found an article of interest on a local western news site written by an European woman living here.  Her theme was to ask why it was hard for a farang woman in Bangkok to find a good farang man.  Well, my Bangkok is full of crazy people and bizarre daily happenings from all sides.  I find that if I ever wonder about Thais in the mix of my day, I just turn my attention to some of the crazy farangs here and think then how much sense Thais make in their world. 

'Farang' is the local word for westerners.  You go down the street and you can hear little children saying out loudly in wonderment - "Farang! Farang!"  You sit on the bus and you can hear someone talking about the farang and then you realise - hey, that is me!  Farang is sometimes used as a term of derision but it is mainly about expressing amazement or bewilderment.  So that is us and I assure you that farangs in Bangkok can be quite amazing or bewildering at times. 

One such time, happened last Friday. It is a simple but classic example of how everyday life can be turned on its head into a dramatic scene by bizarre people acting bizarrely.  One of my western circle is due to return home and so two friends wanted to meet him for a farewell drink.  Simple enough!  Innocent enough!  Well, not to be so in my Bangkok.  As it often does in this my wide friendship group, the story went sour when the one leaving took offence at an email and decided for good reason not to go.  Trouble was that he did not bother to communicate this.  So his two friends were waiting at the bar as arranged.  After waiting an hour, one of these two rang me to find out what was happening.  By chance, I was able to say that their friend was not going.  This  started the farang at the other end of the phone to rave on in a rage - not about their friend standing them up but about their being stuck in a bar that lacked good, draught beer.  After all, they only chose that bar because of their 'no show' friend.   

I wondered what was going on.  This was a scene from a TV comedy.  The huge verbal upset focused on the beer and the three never talked with each other about their failed appointment but with me who was not even going.  All I can say is that my Bangkok can be bizarre and has more than its share of western men who are really boys.     

We think we can save the world or we do our little bit

Bangkok Post - Sex workers waiting outside a bar for customers.

Human trafficking is a central issue in our work at Caritas.  I do not underestimate the priority we should give in addressing this evil.  To put it in perspective, human trafficking is the modern day term for what we called slavery in the past.  Slavery does still exist and it is pure evil. 

The prupose of my writing is not to pursue a line of advocacy but to approach the issue based on my work experience in NGO world and on reading an article in UCAN (Catholic Asia News). 

The article clearly states that why women here do this is to fulfill their duties to their family.  Sex work is the only way they see to "rescue their families from poverty".  This is based on the strong local cultural forces placed on children to personally look after their parents and family.  This responsibility remains very real and becomes a burden for many when the children themselves are poor or lack resources for a livelihood.  The article concludes with:
"Sleeping with strangers and risking abuse should be a woman's last resort.  Society must do everything it can to equip women with the necessary tools to realize their full potential. If it fails to do that, it has no right to pass judgment." 

Then there is my little world wherein this is a major issue that demands a response on the part of the Church.  My response seems to focus on meetings, discussions, trainings and producing documents.  All is very needed in the overall process but I wonder where is the actual hands on action happening, finding it frustrating thinking to myself - Let's get on and do it! 

In the midst of all this, the reality sinks in when I remember how a missionary priest doing great work here faced a huge dilemma in his place of mission in a port and industrial centre in southern Thailand.  He was made aware that underage Burmese females were being used as sex workers in the town.  He pleaded to me - "What can I do?"  The dilemma was that he was a foreigner in Thailand and the local trade was being run by the police.  As foreigners, our voice is limited.  If the priest spoke out too loudly, he faced being moved out and having his mission closed.  This would mean that all the good work being done would be stopped while the local sex trade would continue to flourish.  There is no black and white here.  Evil is evil but any response on the ground is being made in a murky world that is very grey. 

In my line of work, some practitioners may be seen from the outside as saving the world.  The reality is that we just do our bit as best we can and keep doing it, hopefully better and better.  We can't save the world, nor is that our responsibility.