The wedding that was

Well, last Saturday's wedding did occur and it was very pleasant.  I did go to the reception and I was glad I went for I got the background story and warning for an upcoming baptism.  Yes, the bride and groom are expecting.

This was an absolute first for me.  No, not that they are having a baby but that they used their reception as the public platform to announce the news and that this was followed by their running a competition for their guests on guessing the sex of the baby.  There was even prize money for the first opened correct entry.  All this at one of the poshest hotels in the country.  Different!

My first reaction was one of internal disbelief and discomfort.  Shouldn't they have told me before the wedding?  I thought - Hold on!  Do not react.  Do not try to control the situation.  Just see where it goes. 

What I saw was how everyone present was so happy and supportive, even in a conservative Thailand where prestige and public presentation are everything.  I reflected how the Church needs to reform itself so as to be able to speak to people today in their reality, instead of always being seen as standing above and telling people what to do with sex and their private lives.  The Church is too much about upholding a morality that it uses to pronounce from on high.  I am not advocating that that the Church simply be relevant or abandon good and needed values and a challenging vision needed for life and the uplifting of humanity.  God forbid! 

Rather it is about being able to lead by being with people and not above them, by affirming them ore and condemning them less, realising that control never works.  They will ultimately do what they decide to do.  Despite a controlling Church and even controlling society, people make their choices.  Their chioices may not be in line with a Church stance nor with the rule of the elite in any society but that does not make their actions intrinsically evil.  People are just being people.  Let them relish their exploring more and let them enjoy the journey more.

The world is a mess but it is always thus.

I have another wedding this Saturday.  Once again, here in Thailand, the wedding is between a Catholic and a Buddhist.  He is Filipino, she is Thai.  Hence they have me, as they want the ceremony in English.  Once again, they want all the trimmings.  Personally and theologically, when it is a marriage between a Christian and a non-Christian, I am not sure why they always demand to celebrate their marriage within the eucharist. 

It seems illogical to me when at least half the people there, including one of the two getting getting married, have no idea at all of what is happening as they are not Catholic.  Secondly, in marriage, we celebrate unity but, with eucharist in the same celebration, we highlight disunity as one partner and one whole side of this new family cannot share eucharist as it is not their belief.  Then there is the added factor of language as the celebration is in English and many present will not understand English.  So why bother?  There are just so many mixed messages in the one celebration.  Basically, we are highlighting disunity while our focus is celebrating unity.  What is religion about?   

Another couple agreed with me that celebrating their marriage during mass was contradictory when one of them held no religion.  The Catholic partner had then told a Thai Catholic friend that the wedding ceremony would not include mass and the response of the good Catholic was one of shock as mass would act to make for a successful marriage.  Really, even when one partner has no religion?   Is religion reduced to superstition? 

Back to this Saturday's couple.  As usual, they are lovely people but I have to ask - where do they come from?   Why come to the cathedral to get married?  Why get married during mass?  

I did raise the issue of not celebrating the marriage within mass with this couple and I was asked a question by the Catholic groom. 
How long does it take with the mass? 
About 50 minutes, I responded.
The groom, who is the Catholic, replied - That is good timing for the reception.  So we will have mass.
So in this case, is it all reduced to timing? 

I wanted to share another story of this week.  Briefly, it concerns a well bred, older, educated American who comes here every six months.  He is full of how the world is spinning out of control, especially under a Trump presidency.  It is as if his life mission is world salvation.  For him, it is all about talking and philosophising so as to try and bring the world under his cloud of control.  If no control, it will not work.  I agree, the world is a mess but it always has been.  Reality is I cannot solve it and neither is it my place to do so alone. 

My point in both stories of this week is really about how religion has been lost in our world, when our world so needs it so as to provide an ethic for order and unity.   When religion is so needed, it is either not understood and so not used or abused to present what it is not about.  What then is religion about? 

A key is in the gospel for this week's wedding - building our house on a solid foundation.  One basic premise is that it is not my house alone.  We then build our house together with God.  The world is a mess.  That is for sure.  True religion aims to make sense out of the chaos and so give us a sure foundation in the midst of the chaos that is with us always.

They're dead. Let them be.

This coming week sees the fifth anniversary of my mum and dad's death.  They died in the same week.  

Each year around the anniversary of my parents, one part of my family will put photos of their grandparents on Facebook and each year I cringe.  My inner response is  - They're dead.  Let them be.  Why keep bringing them up for the whole world to see?  

Life is never perfect.  Imperfections reign in all our lives.  I had wondered what would happen to all the hard bits, the unresolved matters at hand that had built up in dysfunctional ways over the years in my relationship with mum and dad.  On their death, I found out.  There was a natural and sudden letting go.  It all just happened.  It was the miracle for me of their death.  Everything was resolved and I was left with grateful memories and fond thoughts of  two people who loved me deeply.

Any conflict I had with them over my 55 years was resolved.  Any bad memories were gone.  Any fear I had of what next in the control line with them no longer mattered.  My only natural, inner stance was to be ever thankful for mum and dad, appreciating that they were good and kind people who always did their best to do the right thing by me.  They loved me, loved me as much as they possibly could, and that was it.  They were now gone to God, remaining ever close in a new way.  It was that simple.  No need to explain anything.

So why keep bringing them back in a public forum through Facebook?  Just let them be.   I don't get it.  I even don't like it as I would think that mum, who was such a private person, would hate to see she was put up for public display on a Facebook page.  We do such things for ourselves.  There is no need to do anything for mum and dad now other than pray with and for them, and remember them with love, gratitude and fondness.   What more can we do?  No more.  

They lived a lifetime together.  They loved their family together. They died together.  They did what they could.  It is that simple.  Let them be with God.  That is how I see it.

Why is The Question

My social work training taught me never to ask the "Why" question when helping people.  Ask all the other questions - who, what, how, when, where.  Reason is that asking "Why?" is a closed question, seemingly leading nowhere else.

Then this week, I am at a communication training with Caritas where we are told to use the "Why?" question.  Reason is that it leads to the best communication of opening oneself up to others.

Well, this has made me ask myself the "Why?" question.
Why am I here?  Why am I who I am?  Why am I a Catholic with all the scandal and upset going on in the Church?

I am asked the "Why?" question with a sense of curiosity by someone who comes to me for a life confession.  He is searching and asks me - Why am I who I am?  It all makes me reflect and I think it is time to share some good news. It is time not to escape in any direction but to be positive about why I am who I am for the sake of nourishing life - mine and others.   

Basically I am who I am because of where I come from and the people who are so much a part of my story.  I was born in 1956 Australia and learnt from growing up within a loving and good family, within a life giving Catholic culture and within a safe and friendly community, with all sharing a concern for the other.  As I remember it, my growing up environment was based on the same underlying theme for life.  They all taught me that what really mattered in life was about standing up for the underdog, helping people up when they are down and always standing by your mate (male or female).  It is that simple and I am ever thankful for where I come from.
    

No skin, please.

I took this shot as I was so taken by the traditional dress of the young Thai girl for this wedding I had at the cathedral recently.  The style of dress just speaks of Thai class and dignity.  The bride and groom were a by-product for this photo, just naturally joining in for the pose. 

I find myself doing more weddings these days which is introducing me to ever more pastoral practices of the Thai Church.  What is being revealed to me  horrifies me as I am seeing more clearly the level of control the Thai Church applies in its pastoral practice.

Wedding couples as they approach their marriage in the Church face control over all sorts of issues.  One big issue is the bride's gown.  My goodness!  I believe that one should be respectful in their dress but the level of intervention is quite amazing.  It is treating adults as children.  Even the priest here is to counsel the bride to be about her dress.  (I don't as it is not my area.) 

I have a bride - not the one pictured here - who is told that her dress is too transparent and has to alter it.  The issue as explained to me is that you see the skin through the material.  I have to say that we are not talking revealing here, just that you can see skin.  I was gobsmacked.  How do the church authorities know about a bride's dress?  Well, brides are to submit a photo of their dress before the wedding for a judgement.  In weddings here, I actually would be more concerned about the level of cost but that is not the case. 

As for the bride concerned, she is a good and intelligent woman whom I enjoy meeting with her future husband.  She holds to no religion but shows a searching heart and inquiring mind.  I am an anti-control freak but I wish to go beyond the issue of control to the issue of how does Church make a positive impact on a person like this 'bride to be' if they just focus on controlling them according to the local Church's norms? 

The Church in Asia has chosen as a basic thrust that of inter-religious dialogue which from what I can see means high ranking clergy and religious meeting with high ranking Buddhist monks for chats and exchange of gifts.  It all involves a lot of talk with little trickle down effect, as I see it.  So the question is how do you touch the average citizen? 

Not in this way of engaging in high level dialogue and not by overcoming the average citizen with Church doctrine and control mechanisms whenever they come your way.  Nearly every wedding in the Church here is between a Catholic and a Buddhist and so here lies a real life opportunity for some 'hands on' inter-religious dialogue.  And what do we do?  Waste the opportunity by focusing on if one can see the skin of the bride.  How tragic!  Another missed opportunity for inter-religious dialogue where it counts - in people's lives. 

How to touch the heart?  How to tap into the spirit of the people?  Not through control. 

We may have Pope Francis but ...

Mahidol University

This was the title of a paper I presented this week at Mahidol University here in Bangkok.  The university's Institute of Human Rights and Peace Studies together with UN-ACT (the UN's body acting against human trafficking) had arranged a two day conference on migration.  My offer to present a paper at this conference was accepted by the organising committee and so I got to achieve another first in my life. 

The title may mystify you but simply my thesis was that the practice of the Church in helping such politically sensitive populations as migrants and refugees does fail to reach its own high goals as set by the vision of the gospel and I asked why.  As I said at the conclusion, we have Pope Francis placing the goals before us and leading the way, but that does not mean total acquiescence from within the Church with what he preaches.  Francis is probably smart enough to know that this is the case but he just keeps on showing the lead. 

This was a week of firsts for me.  Another was at mass on Sunday.  I had shared briefly during mass on sexual abuse in the Church so as to make the point that we as a community have the central task of sharing the story of faith and, in respecting that essential task, we must not have secrets in our midst. 

Well at the end of mass, a regular member of our faith community got up unannounced and spontaneously to say something to all present.  I know him well as I help him and his family who are Pakistanis seeking refuge here.  His mother is a real dear.  I wondered what was going to happen.

Well his message was to share that he had been abused as a child and he knew what it was like to be a victim.  He wanted to tell families present to be extra vigilant of their children if they showed worrying changes in behaviour.  Listen to your children and do not ignore them.  This was his message brought on by my earlier sharing.  At the end, he got a rousing round of applause from everyone.   I was both touched and affected by his brave initiative for the sake of the community. 

I have to say that it was a definite first in my 30 years as a priest.  This was part of the impact on me that I had never experienced such an act in such a context.  I was not only affected by his bravery but the nature of his message and its impact on others and not just on me.  As I stood back, I was struck by how this showed his level of acceptance in this local church.   He and his family know so many struggles in a big and sometimes hostile Bangkok but still I could see that here he had found a place where he belonged.

This is what Pope Francis is all about.  We all have a place in the world and belong together.  He is merely mirroring the gospel message.  His leadership is having an impact.  Most importantly, this impact is seen in the yous and mes of the Church, the very place where leadership rightfully belongs, leadership from within the grassroots.   

Change is as good as a holiday

Nothing like a change of scenery to clear the air and that is what I got his week.  No, I was not off to the beach.  You can see that from my photo, I was in a hotel right in the middle of my Bangkok.  The surrounding skyline for my week could make you think you are in the middle of some big American city.  Such are the big cities of Asia!

What I got was a sideways move for the week to attend a conference but still refreshing.  So what was refreshing?

I have to admit that I enjoy the change of scenery and the change of pace and routine.  These conferences are held in hotels which have the facilities and space needed for such an event, and along with the hotel comes the lunch which is an ever welcome bonus.  Yet the experience is about much more.  

The occasion this week has been the Caritas Asia conference.  This brings together people from all over Asia.  Yes, they come from the exotic places like China, Mongolia, Uzbekistan and Kyrgyzstan, places where I have never been and just picture in my mind.  I wonder what the Church is like there; I wonder what life is like there.  Then I meet and hear the priest from China.

His view on the Church and China is that it is okay and what is needed is for the west to change its mindset on China.  He points out that the west is focused on China opening up but he says it is already open to the world and has been so for 30 years.  The western Church, he holds, has the wrong focus of working for sending in foreign priests.  He notes this is impossible under the law in China and that it is the people as well as the government who view the Church as foreign.  His appeal instead was that the Church send in good and capable people of the Church to work with the Chinese Church on social development, helping Chinese Catholics who will receive through such partnerships good witness, a healthy and wider vision of  world and Church, and a good overall education in being Church.  His focus is what the people in the Chinese Church need so as to be better Church and it is not a simple clerical focus.  Take a fresh approach is his message.

So such a week shows me new horizons through meeting and listening to new others in my life, coming from such different environments and settings from my own.  Such new people in my week gift me with an added stimulus for life.  They refresh me.  Yes, a change is as good as a holiday, and it is not just about going to a Phuket or a Koh Samui.  It can be right in the middle of my Bangkok.