2013 - unravelling the next part of life.

These are the words in a New Year's message from a mate back home as he reflects on where we both are in life following the two of us having lost our parents.  When your parents die, I find that you lose a key connecting pin in your life.  It is like you lose a key reference point for your life that has provided some sort of stability or security.  There is no longer the chance to call home for a consoling ear or to get the birthday or Christmas card with the $100.  Nor is there the one around anymore who totally believes in you and understands you.  Funny, while they were alive, I tended to focus on the negative of having them around with their overwhelming and somewhat controlling ways.  Now they are gone, I tend to focus on missing the positive of having them around.  Without this pin, this reference point, my experience is that you have to reinforce your supports and re-establish where you stand in life in a new way.  Maybe this is about transition, maybe it is about unravelling the mystery.  Whatever the case may be, I can see this is a key task for me for 2013. 

Well, guess what family in history really had to unravel where to next.  I wonder how they coped.  They had a little help from shepherds and visiting Wise Men but really what was it all about?   To work it all out must have taken them time and a keen sense of observing and reading their experience of life. 

For now, as the sign in front of the cathedral here says in Thai: 
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. 

Goodbye 2012, a year of transition.

As I wrote my Christmas cards this past month, I named three pivotal events in my year.  In April, I went home to be with my parents for their 73rd wedding anniversary.  I did not know then but that was to be the last time that I would see them.  Then in May, I was 25 years ordained.  It was important that I celebrated this and I did.  I chose to celebrate only once and in Bangkok as this is my home for now and my place for ministry.  Thirdly, in July, mum and dad died in the same week and I got home for the funeral. 

There must be a common theme here or so I think.  Mum and dad knew only one basic option in their lives and they were always happy with that option.  25 years seems a long time and had to be celebrated but not in an over the top way.  How about 73?  Really quite amazing!  In the end, it was their time and they went as they lived - together.  Now I am no longer "my son, the priest".  I never felt so comfortable with all that sort of fuss anyway from mum and dad but miss it when it is no longer around as I truly have to stand alone for the first time.  Maybe underneath, I did like it as the "spoilt only son" in my family. 

As I look back, 2012 has about transition for me.  I never planned it that way but it happened.  It is about taking the next step in life, not about standing alone but more about making my own stance.  I am 56 and is it not more than time I did this anyway?  I can't always be the "spoilt son" and did not all those years of mum and dad prepare me in many ways for this. 

Then I think of some those I know through my ministry with refugees.  There is a 15 year old female who had to flee her home country, and did so with the support of her family, because she was threatened with rape.  Her mother knew that to look after her child, she had to let her go.  What a choice to make at any time, let alone so early in the life of a family.  No 73 years of marriage for them to nourish their children.  The threat was real and ongoing.  The daughter was under attack, being protected by her parents.  Then what happened?  Those posing the threat killed her father and raped her mother.  So here she is now on her own in Bangkok unable to return home and looking for a place to call home.  At the age of 15, in the midst of such tragic and evil circumstances, she has had to make her stance on her own at such a young age, ready or not.  Life has dealt her a heavy blow but she still stands.  Now this is life shattering and a huge ask. 

Talk about transition.  It makes me reflect on my own situation in perspective and appreciate how well looked after I have been and how well prepared I am for moving on.  Thanks mum and dad.  Thanks to all who got me this far.  Gratitude is a central human value.  Never lose it.  Let 2013 roll on and we will deal with it!

It's Christmas. Yes, we are special!

 

Yesterday was Sunday and after mass, I had a baptism.  It was only the immediate family as they were here from Indonesia.  As I asked if we were ready to begin, the dad asked if we could wait a few minutes as the baby was first being fed milk intravenously.  He showed me the tube and I wondered what was wrong.  He just said that their child had Downes Syndrome and had a heart condition which meant that by the age of three months, this little baby had already had heart surgery.  I just responded with "Wow!" to which the dad automatically said, "She is special".  I automatically responded with "You are all special" and I could see so clearly the smiles on the faces of this child's mum and dad.  They so obviously loved their little girl and were delighted with her as she was.  She truly is their special girl. 

That is Christmas.  We are all special!  We don't need to be the strongest or the most beautiful or the wealthiest.  We are just all special as we are created by God.  What more can one say? 

This picture shares the same message as it features children from the nativity play at this year's Christmas party at the refugee centre.  They are young and for now do not know where they are going in life, finding themselves in most difficult circumstances along with their family.  Still they are children and they enjoy what children enjoy.  They, like the baby girl of yesterday and like all of us, deserve a go in life simply because we are special, all created by the same God. 

Happy Christmas!

What is real?

This is not first time I have asked this question living in Bangkok.  I guess it is this sort of place. 

This time I find myself asking this same question as on Monday I got the call from my boss, the Bishop, asking me, or more telling me, to take on the role of Executive Director at NCCM (the National Catholic Commission on Migration at Caritas Thailand).  This is the job of the boss.  It is a promotion and surely I should be celebrating having reached the zenith of my career with Caritas.  If I was back home, that may be the case but I am here in Thailand and I find myself standing back quietly and wondering and asking - what is this about?  where will this lead?  I have become naturally reflective rather than jubilant. 

This is my innate reaction after having lived and worked here for seven years and more.  I know how the show operates and in particular I know the individuals involved in this particular scenario.  So it all makes me think about what is really at play. 

The position itself became vacant as the priest who has had this role had his last day at his desk on Monday.  He had decided that his contract was up and that he was not going to renew it.  Basically, he had done what he could or he had had enough and it was time to move on.  This is quite reasonable but it is how it was all done.  there was no real planning or consultation.  It all just happened and that is how things seem to happen here.  They just happen and when they happen, they happen quickly.  As I say, your life can change right around in 24 hours in a Bangkok.  You never know.   

In this case, I am the person on the spot and the easy target or the one to naturally assume that he will be the one for the job and he will do it because I am known and trusted and here.  Simple but not really.  Like everything else in this culture, there is always more to it than what is seen on the surface and in this case I know what is under the surface.  Hence, I stand back and reflect and try to take it all in so as to make sense of what is happening and what is really involved. 

I know the ongoing challenges, I know the characters involved and how they operate or fail to operate, I know the institutional failings.  Maybe I know too much and that is why I stand back and think.  It is frightening when one knows what is lying under the surface or what is really at play.  This is the other side of living in a culture where there is always more to it or the other side and you are here never knowing what is really happening or what it is all really about when dealing with people and life.  The truth can be that when you do know, it can be frightening and make one stand back and think. 

It's Christmas in Crazy Bangkok

Today feels like the first day of Christmas for me.  Like my life in Bangkok, it speaks of contradictions and anomolies.  So why today and why contradictions and anomolies? 

Well, it actually started late yesterday with an email from Australia which shared the simple consideration of a priest back home for me.  His simple gesture touched me and put me in touch with mum and dad as they knew him down the coast and they always saw him as a lovely priest. 

Then later in the evening, I got another email from a local source sharing an enquiry from another lovely priest but on the local scene and not so simple a message.  This priest is a great guy working here many years with the poor.  He is an absolute character and I never doubt that his heart is in the right place.  It just is that his way of operating in mission is not so simple.  He runs a huge concern for the poor with a huge number of staff and a big budget.  Last night's request from him shared with me concerned his trying to trace a certain individual who turned out to be a billionaire who wants to give away his fortune. 

When I eventually found out what Father was about - trying to connect with a billionaire - I was just flabbergasted.  Why did it hit me the way it did? 

I also am a priest working with the poor and try to get money and other help for the people I touch in my ministry but my approach is much simpler.  Is it too simple? 

I want and have always wanted to be a priest.  For me, to be a priest is not meant to be complicated.  It is meant to be a simple life long quest where I reach out to others because of my sense of gratitude in life and my commitment to the gospel.  The idea of turning this life long quest into big business with a big budget horrifies me and is just not my idea of priesthood and ministry. 

Yes, the people I work with are desperate and need help.  I then ask myself why one group of the poor should attract more attention and giving than another.  Is it just because one leader of mission is more entrepreneurial than another?  That does not seem fair but life is not fair.  Maybe I should be more entrepreneurial but I don't want ministry to become big business as I believe that it then becomes something it is not meant to be - a business venture.  It becomes something that cannot be carried out everyday by everyday Christians.  Rather it becomes the realm of Christian and yes, gospel motivated, individuals who operate as entrepreneurs.  Mission becomes reduced to being about big business and that is not the way to go as mission is for every Christian in their daily lives as they struggle to live the gospel. 

Maybe I am being too simple but then I am confirmed in my views by what I share in today - Christmas at BRC. 

Today we have the annual Christmas party at the Bangkok Refugee Centre (BRC) for the refugees.  It is run as a fun day for the refugees by the refugees together with those who help them and have a mission to them.  It is a simple fair where they enjoy the spirit and the entertainment of the season and receive some little gift and food.  It is all quite simple but involves many and there is a great spirit.  It is what Christmas is all about -  people just being good with and for others.  Why can't it be Christmas every day of the year?  This is what ministry is all about, empowering people to reach out to each other and help each other along the way, no matter who they are and definitely not based on having a big budget.  And if it was Christmas each day, we would be people of good spirit and giving every day and we would not need to turn to big business to look after the poor and all that goes with that option -  getting into management and bureaucracies and hustle and bustle of meetings.  Is this not the way of the gospel - simple reaching out to each other because we are all human beings created by the one God? 

We all have another side

I look back at my last two entires and see that they offer conflicting pictures of life in Thailand, or that is what you could say at first glance.  I had thought about deleting my last entry as it arises out of my own questioning of where I am in life at the moment.  My sharing my questioning led to a comment from my friend for me to reflect on my life here.  So maybe the reflection is too subjective or too negative. 

Then I thought - No, don't change it.  These two entires give not two contradictory sides to life here but highlight that life here has two sides to it, and that is life everywhere. 

There is the beautiful, graceful, dignified side where everyone is very polite but there is also that other side where people can be nasty and get angry and show division.  That is reality.  I think back.  The day after the graceful community events for the King's Birthday I remember the bus conductor who yelled at me and chased me off her bus after I mistakenly and innocently got on her bus that was not in service.  Then there was the day before at work where the Thai manager thought she was talking like a good straight talking westerner but instead was being quite aggressive and confrontational in her ways.  I was sitting there cringing as I heard her talking to another staff member, thinking I would never talk like this at home. 

Maybe something is lost in the translation but these past two entries do speak of how I experience life in total here - sometimes good, sometimes not so good.  This only reflects our humanity as no matter who we are, no matter where we come from or what culture, we all know two sides to our reality - the strong and the weak side; the good and the bad side; the achieving and the failing side; and both sit side by side at every moment of our reality, whether we like it or not. 

What makes one become a bastard?

I was with a good friend today and I barked back immediately at him (as my mum would say) on his asking a simple question.  In the last few months, since the time of mum and dad's death, I have noticed myself living a quieter life, becoming more self-contained, being more reflective, taking less rot from others.  I have started to wonder if that has also included my becoming more of a bastard as along with accepting less of what doesn't matter in life, less of the garbage from others, I seem to snap back more often at ones in my day.  What is this about?  Maybe they deserve it.  Maybe I am giving them some needed honest feedback. 

I don't know.  So I ask the question.  Is this what happens as you get older, when you value more that time is not to be wasted and become more self-confident?  Is it a repercussion of some sort of grieving process?  Is it rising eccentricity due to living alone?  Is it just me? 

So what do I do?  I ring my great and respected mate in Brisbane and ask him straight - is this what happens to me after mum and dad's death?  He answered directly - No!  You have been away so long that you would not be as affected by this as if you were there with them all along.  What is more at play is that you have been living in a brutal environment for so long now that it is taking its effect on you.  Face it, life over there is harsh.  I said - Yes! Underneath all the beauty, dignity and grace of an Asian culture, there is a real ruthlessness.  It is not done as directly as back home but it is just as ruthless here and maybe more difficult to deal with as it is all too subtle within a culture where you are not to show anger or lose face.  Does it take its effect and you never know? 

Once again, I don't know.  I am asking the question, knowing that I can't just escape my reality.  One thing for sure is that I make my greatest mistakes in my life when I rock right in there with the self-assured answers and statements.  I am much better to respond with the questions of life for it is in the questioning that we know our shared humanity, that we know we are all in the same boat, no mattter who we are.   It is in the questioning that we travel as equals, wounded by life but able for the challenges before us together.

The King's Birthday

Yesterday the King of Thailand turned 85 and it was a special day for all Thais to come together and celebrate.  My day had two parts. 

In the morning, I went to an American friend's place for his time to say Thank you and ask blessings for himself, his family and all his friends.  The monks came to offer a blessing, chanting and blessing us with water.  Tony is Thai and American and a Catholic while his family is Buddhist.  So it was a real interreligious celebration with my giving a blessing after the monks left.  It was a lovely occasion and I met some most interesting people, including one of the few Americans here to become a Thai citizen. 

Then, in the evening, I went to a typical Thai community celebration for the King's Birthday.  Once again it was a lovely occasion.  It was an evening of food and entertainment, finishing with everyone paying reverence to the King.  I share here a photo of the entertainment.  You could feel their love for the King.  It was quite touching and I just loved the entertainment which featured the children doing musical items with action.  It was a Thai experience and a good way to enjoy Thai culture. 

A funny thing happened on the way to work.

It is Monday morning in Bangkok and here I am at the office already.  To get to my Caritas office, I get the bus to Tesco Lotus at Rama III.  Sounds easy enough?  Well, it should be until you have to name your stop to the Thai bus conductor. 

The Thais just say "Lotus" but in their own way.  If you just say "Lotus" as we say it, they will never understand you.  The problem is that this is one word I have never been able to get around.  Well today, I had to face the challenge as I was asked where I was getting off, and there was no way I was going to get around facing this challenge. 

So there I was and said yet again "lo-tis" (as it sounds to them).  The conductor didn't understand.  I might as well be going to Mars.  I tried again and again and again.  Then she said in their way "lo-taaas".  I said "chai" ('yes' in Thai).  Then she said to everybody on the bus "LO-TAAAS" and they all laughed.  Well, I tell you that I sure know now how to say "Lotus" in Thai now.  This is one sure way of learning and all I could do was smile as they all laughed.  What else can one do?