For free

On weekdays, when at the Bishops' Conference for work, I go to morning mass presided by Monsignor in the little chapel on the second floor.  It is a prayerful place and, each morning, Monsignor adds to its environment with his daily world updates and stories.  He began this week sharing the mother of all updates.  He just started talking in his usual tone which resulted in what was shared this day being such a shock.  Was he really saying what he was saying?

He was talking about his lovely 27 year old niece and how she did turn up for lunch as planned over the weekend. He described how a possessive tomboy (a lesbian who takes a male stance in life) fell in love with his niece, telling his niece to love no one else.  Then came the most unexpected announcement from the Monsignor.  His niece had been stabbed to death by the tomboy who acted out of insane jealousy, a crime of passion.  So she never showed for lunch.  Then the story gets worse than a tragedy as the tomboy has money and, within 24 hours of murdering her lover, she has paid the police who let her go.  Such is the way of here.

So Monsignor just simply said that his niece's death was for free.  His words were - "She died for free".  I was shocked.  What was he really telling us?  I could feel the pain but it was all shared so matter of fact, as a 'fait accompli' for which there will be no consequences and life will just go on.  It is all that simple, or is it? 

What was he really saying when he said "for free"?  The great tragedy of here is that I may never know for so much here is hidden, so much that is bad is just accepted and you move on.  I feel numb.  I do not know what to make of it.  I pray for all involved but do I understand the outcome? No, I don't.  Do I accept it?  No, I don't but I can't do anything about it.  So I pray.  God rest her soul. 

Our lovely chapel - my daily place of refuge

This is one of those times when living here, I feel like I am on a different planet.  We are all of the same humanity, but are we?  Yes, Monsignor can say for free but as Americans say - "there is no such thing as a free lunch". 

PS  -  This week, there is a PS as, after talking with Monsignor further, I know what he is saying.  It is that with his niece's murderer paying off the police, is his niece's life of so little worth?  He is so sad.  Now this makes sense.  Maybe here is not such the mystery.  The point is that few here talk about what is really going on in life and so, as an outsider, you never know and life remains a mystery.   

A Driven Land

Driven to flee to Thailand

So much of my reality here is not led by reason or good sense but driven by people's desire to simply get what they want.  Whether Thai or foreigner, so many around me seem driven by such an intense energy that I would name it as lusting after their wants.  Yes, lust, and I see this in a significant number of people who are part of my Bangkok.

There are those among my western neighbours who lust after booze and sex but the lust I am naming here is about much more and is evidenced in the lives of many more people than just the few lost souls who reach here from western shores.

There are those in both Church and society here who lust after power, wealth, position; who lust after anything and everything, even doing good.  I have always named my Bangkok as an intense place to live.  Now I can understand why.  As for me, I get tired of it all as it is all too much for me.  So I just stand right back.  There is so much about this side of human existence that I do not get.  People are driven for what purpose?

From what I observe, they are never happy, always thrusting full speed ahead.  Then their behaviour can be utterly destructive of good order and easily lead to unplanned and unwanted outcomes.   It can simply destroy the very thing they are aiming for.

This seems such a negative note to finish on but this is not the end for me as all this tells me that being driven speaks of how much we lack vision for life.  Vision is what rightly guides and leads us, not drive us.  We all need a vision.  We need a vision to lead us to the great and good outcomes that can be ours today. 

Vision speaks of leadership.  Being driven speaks of being lost and giving into our compulsions and narrow self-interest.  The people without a vision perish.

The Land of Holidays

Thailand has many titles given to it for use by the outside world.  One title it does not project but you see is apt when living here is - the Land of Holidays.  There are forever holidays.  I believe it is a pay-off for not getting paid that well. 

Anyway, this week Tuesday and Wednesday were holidays.  Tuesday was Asahna Bucha Day when they remember the Buddha's first preaching to his first five disciples.  Wednesday was a holy day for Buddhist Lent which occurs this time of the year, coinciding with rainy season. 

In an agriculture based society, having Lent during rainy season makes a lot of sense for very practical reasons.  One is that in a farming community, having the monks move around during rainy season while the rice is growing is not smart, as the farmers do not want monks plodding through their rice fields and spoiling their crops.  So it is good sense to keep the monks in their temples and give them something productive to do, namely, meditate during Lent.  I think that is really clever.

Part of the local interpretation of the whole Buddhist holiday is not to drink.  So bars are closed and drink is not sold.  Still holidays are celebrated here as elsewhere with people going away and going out, Buddhist holy day or not.  Thais have their way of doing things.  Having said that, these are the days when Thais go to the temple and follow Buddhist ritual.  It is wonderful to see and great to participate in. 

So I did the Thai Buddhist thing while also taking up the opportunity to partake in a Christian practice of joining in a morning of reflection which was led by a Capuchin visiting from Italy.  He shared a great insight as one coming from outside.  He said that Bangkok was a place where we Christians should be in mission as it is another centre of secularism in our world, another one of those huge Asian cities without a souls.  The latter is my term of phrase.  We are here to help give a soul and so enrich the many holidays. 

I'm not Thai, never will be.

A true prophet. 

Time and again over the years here, what I face in my Bangkok is the eternal reality, or sometimes more the eternal stumbling block, that is Thai culture.  I have never lived in a country where the culture card is played so powerfully and continually.  Once you hear a Thai say, "This is Thai culture", stand back and say no more.  I wonder where I stand on this front when dealing with my life in Church, in the the street or workplace or even among my friends.  Then I found this piece I have kept from a course I did in the USA over 15 years ago.  I read it and thought how prophetic.

What was the piece entitled?  Spirituality of a missionary.
What does it share?  Here goes.

You are not of the local church.
You are always a foreigner and never understood.
You are not here for power or prestige.
You work hard but never attain worldly success, nor are you seen as a success.

Yes, amazingly all so prophetic as now I know how true all this is. 

So my notes of 16 years ago finish:
Never fool yourself about success as you are at the bottom and you are there for a reason.  It is about Kingdom which is about turning our world upside down.

So that is what I am doing?  I am t
urning the world upside down.  At the moment, it is more me who feels turned upside down.   

It's the Struggle, Stupid!

Bill Clinton once turned an election campaign around with his now famous one liner - "It's the economy, stupid!"

Well the same experience happened for me last week when a smart Burmese guy here at work made a reflection that just hit me there and then.  He told me that I was so much stronger now than when he first met me 12 months ago.  I straight away had this line just come to me - "It's the struggle, stupid!"

I do not have to repeat myself nor go into describing the issues of my struggle, nor do I choose to do so.  Just a waste of energy and I am over it.  What is the key is the struggle itself as it is the way to building up life.

To put it in perspective, I believe that the key insight into life is appreciating how vulnerable we are which is what comes to us through the struggle we all share and know.

I am a vulnerable and fragile human being and it is as that person that I can act on my life and build it up.  I ask - Why?  For me, it is because I no longer have to be someone else nor be the person that others want me to be.  I don't have to be perfect because I am not.  I don't have to be successful because I don't need to be.  I don't have to be in control because it does not work.  I just be me and build myself up from where I am with a little help from my friends.

So the struggle makes me.  I am not at the end but on the way.  I am not perfect but don't want to be and never will be.  So the struggle continues and it makes me who I am.  What a journey it is.

It's the struggle, stupid!