That's what friends are for!

During the week, I had dinner with a good friend.  She was upset about something and wanted to talk.  Apparently, in the last week, a long term friend had challenged her with a personal issue and she had found it hurtful.  When she began her story with sharing the opening line of her friend's challenge to her, I thought, "Oh, my God!" 

Why?  It began with the classic
"It's because you are a friend that I am telling you this."

Experience tells me to watch out when someone begins with a line like this as it is probably going to be a bombshell and this one was. 

There may have been basis for concern and the issue may be real but it was all approached the wrong way as she was confronted with the judgement already made for her, telling her what was wrong and what she should do about it.  She was also confronted with how all her friends have made the same judgement and have been talking about her.  It was now this friend's dutiful position and perceived right to tell her all.  It is all a bit presumptuous. 

Not the way to go!  That is my take and is based on my own experience of such wonderful acts of kindness done by good friends out of their sense of duty.  Why do they think they need to act as judge for the sake of another?  People have to make their decisions for their lives and come to them in good ways for themselves.  The 'dive bomber' approach of any good friend is not helpful and produces ill feeling that adds to any issue that may be at play. 

Such an approach shows a lack of respect for the person targeted, making their decision for them and not letting them see what is at play for themselves.  There is the sense of betrayal as the one confronted thinks that these are my friends but they talk about me and one of them just confronts as if I am the problem and have all the problem; as if I am bad.  "I'm not!"

There are better ways to approach issues with friends as a friend.  Spanish has a great word to describe it - "companero".  This means being a companion on the journey with each other, instead of just dutifully coming in and pronouncing judgements for the other to deal with. 

Then there is that song that comes to mind.  It is Dionne Warwick's "That's What Friends Are For". 
It goes like this. 
"Keep smiling, keep shining 
Knowing you can always count on me, for sure 
That's what friends are for 
For good times and bad times 
I'll be on your side forever more
That's what friends are for" 

I did feel for my friend and understood and even felt her hurt.  This is for her.