Fascinated, but disconnected

"Sister Wendy entertained complex and competing opinions about Merton. She was fascinated by him, constantly reading and rereading his writings and admiring his wisdom and brilliance. But always she detected something “obtuse” and “fragmented” in his relationship with God". 

Sister Wendy Becket was an English, Carmelite nun and hermit, who hosted her popular, 1990s television program, “Sister Wendy’s Odyssey”, which looked at the history of art.  I remember her as engaging, quaint, insightful and smart.  Reading her just now on Thomas Merton, I am made aware of another side to her.  Like Merton, she was a unique person of deep sprituality and wisdom.    

As for Merton, a Trappist monk, who died in 1968, he was a man who spoke to the post-WWII, western world.  That presents a context that goes beyond his chosen world of medieval monasticism, into a new age.  Maybe his writings reflect this new dichotomy.  His life was a struggle.  His gift was that he shared his life so openly and freely.  I often have thought that maybe he shared far too much, but he was the writer.  He was much more than a monk.  As I read briefly Sr Wendy's assessment of Merton and his life as a monk, I was put in touch with so much about me.  

As one who also struggles in church and religious life, I identify with Merton.  Sr Wendy would probably find me, as a religious, somewhat contorted or complex. That is okay and that is what I would expect.  

I can honestly say that living alone in Bangkok, I have found my place in my Order and feel more an Augustinian than ever, an Order, whose key charism is community life.  Maybe this reflects what I often share with my fellow Christians, that God and life are a mystery.  I am a mystery.    

Part of my mystery is that I am often challenged by my fellow Christians and their life stances.  That is good for me and to be expected.  As I am challenged, I often reflect upon a God of mercy and love?  Isn't God here in all of our here and now?  Why compartmentalize God?    

Pastoral situations faced by me often present such healthy pastoral and theological questioning and reflection.  I continue to face these core questions that both challenge and nourish my spiritualtiy.  They take their toll on me.  However, no matter what, they will continue to be the compost for deepening my faith and spirituality.  The sheep need a shepherd.  I surely need a shepherd.  So we shepherd each other along the journey of faith, in the midst of mysteyr and paradox.      

What am I saying?  I so identify with Merton and understand why his writings seem so confused or contradictory to Sr Wendy.  That is life, that is the beauty of Merton.  He shared life as he experienced it, no holds barred, in a spiritual context.  So, in Merton, we have what we have.  So we are who we are.  Relish the mystery, roll around freely in its fertile soil.