What makes one become a bastard?

I was with a good friend today and I barked back immediately at him (as my mum would say) on his asking a simple question.  In the last few months, since the time of mum and dad's death, I have noticed myself living a quieter life, becoming more self-contained, being more reflective, taking less rot from others.  I have started to wonder if that has also included my becoming more of a bastard as along with accepting less of what doesn't matter in life, less of the garbage from others, I seem to snap back more often at ones in my day.  What is this about?  Maybe they deserve it.  Maybe I am giving them some needed honest feedback. 

I don't know.  So I ask the question.  Is this what happens as you get older, when you value more that time is not to be wasted and become more self-confident?  Is it a repercussion of some sort of grieving process?  Is it rising eccentricity due to living alone?  Is it just me? 

So what do I do?  I ring my great and respected mate in Brisbane and ask him straight - is this what happens to me after mum and dad's death?  He answered directly - No!  You have been away so long that you would not be as affected by this as if you were there with them all along.  What is more at play is that you have been living in a brutal environment for so long now that it is taking its effect on you.  Face it, life over there is harsh.  I said - Yes! Underneath all the beauty, dignity and grace of an Asian culture, there is a real ruthlessness.  It is not done as directly as back home but it is just as ruthless here and maybe more difficult to deal with as it is all too subtle within a culture where you are not to show anger or lose face.  Does it take its effect and you never know? 

Once again, I don't know.  I am asking the question, knowing that I can't just escape my reality.  One thing for sure is that I make my greatest mistakes in my life when I rock right in there with the self-assured answers and statements.  I am much better to respond with the questions of life for it is in the questioning that we know our shared humanity, that we know we are all in the same boat, no mattter who we are.   It is in the questioning that we travel as equals, wounded by life but able for the challenges before us together.