I am more afraid of living.

During the past week, I met with good friends, who were up from Singapore.  Because of Covid, I last saw them four years ago.  The husband suffers serious, health issues, such that he needs dialysis three times a week.  They are both committed people of faith, active in the Catholic Church.  As her husband's faithful companion, his wife lives her faith passionately, on the edge.    

Their trip to Bangkok focused on the compulsory, thrice weekly dialysis.  Whatever it took, they came here so as to see friends, of whom I am one.  They are so brave.  As is our way, thanks to the dear wife, we got into a serious discussion on faith issues.  In the course of that discussion, she asked me a direct question - "Are you afraid of dying?" 

I found myself spontaneously responding - "I am more afraid of living."  

I was astounded to hear myself say this, which arose from my just being natural and honest.  What am I saying, when I say this?  I believe that it speaks of my fear of the unknown.  By the nature of life, we can look at it as a journey into the unknown.  This may raise its own fears, but not facing the unknown may lead us to much greater consequences, of compromising one's values and not seizing opportunities for human generosity and courage.    

Maybe this line of argument is a via negativa.  What may be the via positiva?  

Let me explain.  At the end of my week, I was led to a hard-hitting and revealing lecture, given by Dr. Peter Kreeft of Boston College, entitled "Augustine vs. Sartre on the Difference God Makes".  Dr. Kreeft highlighted that, for Augustine, God's reality changes everything.   One could say that, for Augustine, it was literally God or nothing.  So this great thinker leads us along the path of both passion and reason, heart and head for the sake of life and living it.  Hand in hand with God's reality exist eternal truths and eternal values, which give a firm base to our living and our passion for life.  

This life stance rightly challenges my fear of the unknown.  Life surely does present an unknown future but I do not need to fear it, for an all-loving God has a purpose for life and for me.  Truly, we are never sure what that purpose may be, but we can trust in God's love, and so hand ourselves over to the passion for life, arising from and through God's intimate love for us.   

It may be natural for me to be afraid of living, but that fear is neither compelling nor the end of the story.  

Carpe diem!